adifferentlife | Not all research [[Kaine]]

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Not all research [[Kaine]]

The library has turned into a wonderful resource for Sybil. Always an avid reader, she's discovered the books there are the best way to catch up on all that has happened in the years since her own time and the time most people in Darrow are from. Her choices that day aren't all for research, copies of the first two Anne of Green Gables books, A Princess of Mars (which had a rather scandalous cover), and The Primrose Ring. All books of her own time and all for comfort, to help offset the history books she has piled up on a table.

Her true delight was discovering that the library has phonograph records. She looks through the titles recognising so few. Finally she pulls out Gershwin and Billie Holiday almost at random. American composers and an American singer. It suits, she thinks, with all the Americans here.

Content with her finds, she settles back in at the out of the way table she's picked, determined to skim through the 1940s and 1950s before the library shuts.

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Her touch feels odd to me. Light, gentle touch is still something I'm not used to at all.

"No, I don't have family."

I don't know how I'd explain it to her. I don't know if I want to. How would she react to finding out I was grown in a lab? Not only that, but I'm a clone of someone else. She's kind, but I'm a freak.

"An orphan," she nods as if that explains it entirely. It's the only other option as far as she can see, at least the only one that makes sense in her own world, a world that is how to escape. "That must be difficult."

"It's all I know."

I figure letting her think I'm an orphan is the best way to go. It's a lie, but it will be the easiest way for her to understand it. I can tell myself it's for her sake I avoid the truth.

"And complaining about it doesn't change it."

"You hardly seem the type to complain," she hasn't heard him do so yet, even when he had a bullet in his back. It makes her curious, for he isn't a happy person either, serious and sometimes seeming confused. No, confused isn't the right word, unsure of how to fit into place perhaps? Sybil sighs, dropping her hand, "but then we don't know each other very well in the end, do we Kaine?"

I feel bad about that. Knowing me better would not be a good thing for her, but she seems to feel bad about it. Maybe for normal people that's an issue, wanting to feel connected to people. I usually feel the opposite, but the way she talks about her family I'm guessing she's not used to be around people who are such strangers to her.

"I know you're smart. You care about people because you think all people are worth caring about. You work hard but you're not, ah, obsessed with your work in an unhealthy way. You're resilient and strong but not... hard."

His words make her pause, her chin tilted as she considers him and what he's just said. It's a compliment she thinks, but also a more honest assessment of her character than she's heard from anyone but Branson. Strange, she thinks, she wonders if Branson would like Kaine, or if he'd be jealous somehow of their friendship.

The thoughts are all too confusing and Sybil puts them away for the moment. "Maybe you do know me better than I give you credit for."

I'm not sure how most girls would react to what I've said, but the thoughtful pause Sybil gives doesn't seem typical at all. I think that's one of the things I like about her, Sybil always seems to be thinking. I can see how men of her age, or any age, might be intimidated by that.

"Maybe I'm just terrible at showing I do."

"Which is not the worst thing to be, is it? I think you try your best to not show things, whether it be pain or confusion or upset." Sybil thinks he deserves her honesty as he's given her his. "I'm not sure that you're used to having friends, but I would like us to be. Friends, that is."

If Sybil had met me a few years ago, she might not think that. I was nothing but ranting, raw emotion. Some of that was still there, and I had to keep it at bay. That's why I didn't show it, because what was there wasn't safe to show.

"I... would like to be friends."

I shouldn't, it wasn't safe for her, but if I told her no... well, maybe this place would be better. Safer.

"Good. Then we shall be." Sybil nods as if that has decided everything. Any doubts, the voices of her sisters she can practically hear, she pushes those away. This is a new place and a new life for her. "That's settled."

I'm not sure if such a formal declaration is necessary with all friendships, just those with people from the early twentieth century, or just those with Sybil, I kind of like it. It doesn't leave any room for wondering where you stand. Very practical.

"I sort of have two brothers," I say after a moment, feeling like after all that, I owe her something about my personal life. "One of them died and the other is... it's complicated."

"It is often complicated with family," Sybil agrees with him, the empathy in her voice reflected in her eyes, "I am sorry. It must be hard, to lose someone so close."

"We weren't really close but... he was a good man. Selfless and never let bad circumstances make him be a bad person."

I don't think I'll ever understand Ben or Peter. I made Ben's life hell and he still never let it make him a monster and Peter's life has never been easy but all their tragedy just made them better. That's how I know I'm a monster. Same genetics and a completely different response.

"I still don't- I don't know why he's dead and I'm not."

That's something she's heard over and over from soldiers in her care. Why did they live when a friend, a brother in arms died? It's not something she has an answer to, for all that she wishes that she did.

"Kaine," Sybil reaches out to him again, this time hooking her hand in his elbow as if he was guiding her. It's a light touch still, but her fingers tense as she looks up and sees something different in him. "I wish life were fair, but you musn't think you don't deserve this. You can only live the best life you can and honour their memories."

The same thing she's said to so many soldiers, meaning it every time.

"I don't deserve this."

I know that without a doubt. Maybe I didn't deserve to die the first time the Jackal tried to kill me, but I've deserved it a hundred times over since then. Ben didn't deserve to die. I certainly didn't deserve to come back from the dead and be given this second chance.

"So there has to be a reason," I say. "And I just- I have to keep doing my best. But I need to try and understand why he died and I didn't."

"You do. Everyone deserves chances, to live," Sybil says earnestly. She believes her words wholeheartedly, and wonders what he's seen to make him doubt his own worth so. More than that, she wishes to fix it, but knows she cannot. "It's the harder choice sometimes."

"Trust me, I know all about choosing to live being the harder choice."

So many times I should have ended it all. So many lives would have been saved if I did, but I could never do it. It wasn't even out of a sense of self preservation, it was because deep down I was too afraid to do it. Half the crazy stuff I did was in the hopes that someone would finally put me out of my misery.

It's hard to hear that, hard to think of Henry and how he took his own life unable to bear going back to his old one. It's then that she realises that she's come to care about Kaine in some way, for all they don't know each other well. Losing his friendship and presence would make her terribly sad, moreso if it was because he hadn't the strength to go on.

"You'll tell me, won't you?" Sybil isn't quite sure how to say what she wants, "If things seem too difficult?"

"I'm not going to kill myself!" I growl, frustrated that I can't convey what I want to. If I could tell her more about myself, I could explain it better but then I'd lose a friend. But how can I explain that I've died before and did not enjoy it at all?

"Sorry, I... thank you for worrying but if I haven't killed myself by now it's not going to happen. I- maybe some day I'll explain."

That she's misread him is clear, stepping back from him with confusion and concern in her eyes. "Maybe someday then."

Great, now I've upset her. This is why I shouldn't talk to people, because they care about me and I hurt or upset them without meaning to. She'd be better off away from me.

"Don't- Look, I'm sorry. Just forget it, I- I'm not good with people."

Sybil's sense of propriety is truly engrained, and won't allow Kaine to claim this as his own fault. "Don't be. I said too much. It isn't my place."

Still, she must try to salvage the situation somewhat. "Thank you for walking me home. It's kind of you."

"I don't mind you asking I just- I won't answer a lot of things."

I should just tell her she's right, it's not her place and she should just leave me alone. I'm pretty sure that would be useless though or even worse just make her more determined.

"And you're welcome. I'll walk you home whenever you want."

"I shouldn't pry," Sybil is quick to assure him, imagining the scandalised tone Mary would have taken if she'd heard some of Sybil's questioning. Never mind her mother or father. "You've no need to tell me everything. I'm not your confessor."

Sybil nods, pulling her books to her chest. "Thank you," she repeats, unsure if he has made the offer out of politeness or because he means it. "I should go, I work early tomorrow."

"You're not. We're friends. You're allowed to ask about me."

I actually wasn't sure about that. I probably wouldn't pry into someone's life like that but Sybil had good intentions, I can tell. Maybe someday I'd tell her about part of my life, at least how it started. Some of the things in between... those were better left out.

"And I mean it. Don't let me find out you've been walking around by yourself too much," I said, trying to give her a smile to show I was joking. Mostly. I imagine the smile didn't look all that natural or convincing.

Not all research [[Kaine]]

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